Heartache

This past week has been extremely difficult for our family. A week ago we had to say an unexpected goodbye to a vibrant young soul. We got the dreaded phone call from Chad’s mom late Sunday night, we were a little late putting Grady to bed that night when we got the phone that an 8 year old family member had passed. All I could do was drop down to my knees holding my baby boy and cry. Unfortunately this isn’t the first time we have had to say goodbye to a child too soon. A few years ago our friends’ 4 month old passed away, both scenarios are difficult to understand but I don’t know if it was because this one was family or because I’m a mother myself now but this one has been grueling. This past week understandably I haven’t sleep well, thinking of the moments replaying in the back of my head. How his mommy and daddy must feel, how people are perceiving the unfortunate circumstance. I feel guilty bringing my son around them with another baby on the way and I feel guilty for the way I feel. Should I feel so sad for only knowing him for 5 years? Although I only knew him a short amount of time I enjoyed every second I had with him and I hope that I only touched his life in some positive way. He was a little rascal that for sure but man did he have a big heart. From the moment he met me he never forgot my name and every time we were together he would come up and tease me.

"I have a theory about moments. Moments of impact. My theory is that these moments of impact, these flashes of high intensity that completely turn our lives upside down, actually end up defining who we are." – The vow

When tragedy hits it’s hard not to reflect on your own life. There’s been a hashtag floating around facebook since the tragedy, #Makeyourmark. What is your mark? What will you be remembered as? I hope that I can only be remembered as a great mother and wife. The other titles are important too don’t get me wrong but that’s not my priority. My priority is my own family. A lot of people do not understand that and they don’t need to. Friends come and go, work comes and goes and sometimes family comes and goes to but if I can just focus on making my mark on my own family that’s all I need in this thing called life.

One of my absolute favorite stories about that 8 year old boy is a story that his mother tells. It was about the age of 3 when they were traveling by plane somewhere and he had to poop, just like any child or man for that matter he decided he needed to do his business as the plane was starting to board. So his mother took him into the bathroom so he could do his business and of course he had to take off all his clothes in order to get the job done. I can just imagine his mom a patient saint.

This tragedy has really hit home for us and has us reconciling our own lives. I hope that one day my children will say that their mom let them be who they were and loved us conditionally no matter what happened. I hope that my kids have stories that they share of our time physically together not times threw the phone or computer. This little boy was full of life and taught me not only how to be a better person but also how to be present and how to be a better mother.